Woman crushes man's heart -- again! (commentary on dating)

[ablang]

For those of you who haven't read up on the previous thread, please do so now:
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/Forum17/HTML/003736.html

I have just been crushed and devastated by what could've been the best woman I've ever met. I only just met, spoke with, and got, Anjienette's (Anjie for short) phone # a week ago at her place of work. She is manager of a dress store. Since then, I have attempted to call her once (caught her coming out of the shower, not a good time). I have also visited with her for about 1/2 an hour three times at her work, and each time, the conversations seemed to get better, but she never asked me very many questions. I have shown interest in her by complimenting her each time, asking her questions about her likes, as well as being persistent by showing up each chance I get at her work.

Today, she asks me if I've ever been married. I say no, and ask the same of her. She never has, but has been engaged twice. Her 1st fiance she caught cheating on him. Her 2nd she broke it off because she didn't get a good feeling about. She has also been living with a French guy who apparently crushed her a year ago, and she's still hurting over it. She tells me that she isn't looking for a relationship right now. Inside, I am disappointed, but try not to let it show. Perhaps it is a test of character to see if I might stick around in the long run. So I say okay, can we still get together to have that coffee. She says she is busy on 7/4 (usually a family celebration) and is booked on 7/5-7/6 (her only days off) helping her cousin move (most likely the truth). So I tell her I'll call her. I can't let her see that her decision bothers me. I refuse to let her see that she has crushed me.

Is it irony that she was out last night drinking beers, ended up sleeping at a friend's place, and never got to take her shower. She teeth looked yellow, and she was probably wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. Gross.

I know I will soon get over this love bug that is affecting me with symptoms including loss of appetite, bouts of insomnia, and a constant pre-occupation with the same person.

I thought my apparent guestures of obvious like were visible to her. My question is, why did she have to lead me on and give me her phone number and kept talking to me? Everytime I try to ask her to spend time w/ me out of the office, she seems to always be busy. If she's not interested in spending time with me, why doesn't she just say so, instead of going through the charade of even letting me have her number.

It's funny how most of my guy friends were congratulating me, while many of my lady friends were telling me to be careful, take it slow, etc. Some say I put her on the defensive on the get-go by presenting her with the poem, and by coming on too strong with some of my "compliments". My guess is this 34 year old woman has been scarred for life and no longer believes the perfect one, or even one closest to it, me, exists.

She doesn't know it, and may never know it, but no one will have ever treated her any better than I would have. She blew the best thing that ever happened to her.

What bothers me the most is that I have to keep acting like nothing has ever happened. So I will keep bugging her at work, and calling her at home as usual until she tells me otherwise (a lady friend tells me Anjie may be too nice to say so). What sucks is that if we do hang out together, I still have to (according to others) pay for everything that goes on.

Dating is so infuriating! Dating sucks! As a future 30 year old virgin who has never dated, I find that I cannot compete in today's game playing dater hating world. I should've been born in the Medieval times, where my chivalry and sense of honor would be more appreciated. Instead, when I'm attracted to a woman, I'm supposed to pretend I'm not interested in her. I'm also supposed to keep my past dating experience a secret since women are turned off by it (so I'm told). And I'm not allowed to be honest with a woman since they might be turned off by it. Does anyone else have a problem dating in today's times?

Now I can see why people get married, because dating sucks! I can see myself marrying the 1st person I date because I hate the games and all the guessing. If you're considering marrying someone, ask yourself one question: Is this the person who I want to annoy for the rest of my life?

If someone can tell me the value they get from dating a variety of people, I can sure use it. I am this close to giving up and joining a convent. I am so pissed right now, it's unbelievable. I wished Anjie would have turned me down from the get-go instead of letting me think I was getting somewhere. Hey, I've never dated before, so I thought things were going well. Instead, she drops her load on me after I have gotten even more interested in her and having known her more.

I believe I now know why women complain that there are so many a-holes out there. 1) because women are bored by nice guys like me who will give them everything they want. Nice guys finish dead last. 2) It is acts like these dating games that will turn nice guys like me into an a-hole!

So now, because she doesn't have the guts to tell me to get lost, I have to keep up my end of the game and let her know that I 1) won't quit that easy if it is a test of character and 2) I'm not bothered by her lack of interest in a relationship, since a friendship may always build into something.

Well, at this point, I think there isn't much interest left on my part. I only don't want her to think she's destroyed me. I will keep going on as if nothing's happened, and still try to keep working on her, even though I'm no longer interested at this point. I want her to see that I can move on, and someday I want to bring my girlfriend into her store and show her what she missed. Maybe she'll still be the "old maid" she refers to herself as, and I will someday find the love of my life. In this world, I don't know if it is ever possible for two people to ever connect.

I have just about lost all hope in dating, and looking at some of my friends and acquaintences, it seems that subconsciously, they feel the same way too. I cannot think of what may even think of jumping back into the game, but I need some advice, if I ever hope to seek dating salvation.

[ablang]

Staying single does have its pros and cons.

One advantage I can think of is obvious.
When you've been single as long as I have, money tends to pile up pretty fast. I could put a down payment on just about any home I want. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep up with the monthly payments due to my current job.

And hey, maybe I don't want to be with a woman who it turns out might have a lot of emotional baggage anyway.

And for those of you who have heard of my stories, at least I didn't run away from this one this time.

[Gomer]

Hey ablang.... as far as lessons learned in dating... you are getting off easy so far. Way easy... trust me. Hang in there and try not to fret over it too much. Keep your nose to the ground man, something will turn up.

"Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"

[big_block_buick]

i say don't sweat it...she may say she's not looking for anything cause you know women(subtle, and all). unless she has her eye on something else. it's still game on. wait a little bit, no more letters or casual meetings at her work though. catch her on a laid back sunday afternoon for a couple cold ones, spur of the moment.if she hesitates before saying "oh i cant" , drive on.
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif good luck

[surrealchereal]

My dear ablang, one thing you're forgetting in the equation is her experience and you're lack of experience. She may have given you her phone number because she gives it to everyone that asks (or pretty close). It's a much more "casual" gesture to her that it was to you. Also, I hate to say this but blunt is best. You have spent time pineing ( sp) over a figment of your imagination. You don't know this woman, you know the person you have imagined her to be.
You have fallen for a phantom woman. She didn't ask questions about you ab because she wasn't interested. She was out last night drinking, but it wasn't a friend she stayed with, more likely someone she picked up and didn't even know. Also if a woman in her mid 30's is still going out, getting drunk, picking up strangers, and not able to even get home to change before work! Ab, that is like really low on the food chain, were talking that was one drunk chick, and she's got a load of problems. You two are not close to being a match, she would only drag you down. She has blown the best thing that ever happened for her. Thank Goodness for your sake. Dating does suck, but not dating sucks more. You just need to get out there and get a few callouses built up. Then when you meet a woman that after a while gets through your callouses, you will know you have got a good one.
Why in the heck do you want to hang out with someone your not going anywhere with? If you do you certainly don't have to pay for more than your share. And if you do go out with her, heck just practice on her, so the money spent will be like tuition to polish your skills for when you meet someone worthy of your affection. She'sthe one that set the tone by defining the relationship as casual, and by not treating you with respect.
Dump her like a rotten melon and get out there and meet some real babes! http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[CMonster]

"I've been through diamonds, I've been through minks - I've been through it all...love *****s"

Whatever fool said "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" either has never loved and lost or is trying to console himself for the gut-wrenching-twisting-nagging-hungry-crying-emptiness of having loved and lost.

You will know what I mean when, and if, you finally meet that person for which you would gladly tread upon hot coals -who's very painful bite (yes bite with teeth) is enough to send oscillations of rapture up and down your whole being and you would gladly endure any pain or pay any price just to be close for a few moments -and when that few moments is the most wonderful gift in all eternity, and when a time of separation is an agony of regret - yes, then you will understand.... pray you never meet her, the one whose dirty hair is the sweetest perfume -whose very urin is a sweet aroma -you have been warned.

[doggabone]

I quote The Magic Schoolbus : "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif. I love that line.

And it IS better to have loved and lost ... eventually.

I figgered I was doomed to be alone, with intermittent periods of lousy relationships, for just about ever. It seemed I couldn't hold one together, and I have been fortunate enough to date and live with some terriffic people. And some lousy ones. Got broken a few times http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif but I patched up each time http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif. I figger you will too.

I met someone @ school with whom I now live. The beautiful and sweet thing about that is that after 11 years as a courier, I decided it was long past time I turned my life around, and took a diploma in programmin and networking, and some multi-media classes. Well, I may still be looking for work, but I sure DID turn my life around - I am now living in a new city, in a reasonably nice townhouse, for close to the same rent (my share) as my ugly and flooding basement apartment, and I am HAPPY.

I'm just trying to give you a "real life" example that it can, and will work out for you, too. If you keep the faith that it will. It doesn't hurt to believe that you deserve it http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif.

And for what it's worth - I never found that resisting my impulses re: poems etc. ever helped. If the person in question is uncomfortable by such gestures, especially early on, I am gonna be uncomfortable all the way along - walking on eggshells, as it were.

Ummm ... something else, too ... we were chatting about the "born to meet" thing this weekend @ my aunt's place. Came to the conclusion that, while we were not put on this earth to meet our "perfect match", there are many out there who may match us perfectly - if we keep an open mind, an open heart, an open arms.

Yah, that's corny http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif.

[Warthog]

Ablang - you are better than this woman. I am not just saying that to make you feel better, I truly, truly mean that. You are far more mature than she is. She's used goods, find someone else.

For further advice on the future of your dating life and anything else you have on your mind concerning this subject, email your story to askleah@ign.com She has helped tons of people and I always find what she writes quite helpful. Just write in how you met her, etc. and then tell her exactly what you just told us here.

You can check out what she does at http://formen.ign.com/dating/2001-07-03.html

If she answers you, you will see it posted there.

Good luck! http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif

Warthog

[surrealchereal]

You suffer from classic nice guy syndrome. Women like @zzholes, it doesn't make sense, Yar has a good point, and I have thought about that, trying to figure that one out too. I think part of the problem is, most youngwomen think they want a strong man and unfortunately they can't tell the difference between strength and bully. (whether they admit it or not) It's probably some primeval instinct to go for the strongest breeder so the offspring have the best survival chance. Actually Ab, if you really aren't in a huge hurry wait just a few more years, (late thirties) by then most single women are on the second time around and things are getting tight because we're starting to gain in numbers and the availability becomes less because not only are there fewer men but the men the same age go for the young chickies. Women late thirty to late forty (trust me they still got it) are stuck with the drippings, and if she's not the knock out stuff she is stuck with someone that's on social security. (no offense intended, but by the time the 40's arrive you start realizing your on the downsloap, and being with an old man, 15 years your senior in most instances won't make you feel young, but prematurely aged even older) Or alone. She has also figured out the difference between a good man and an @ss. So even if you decide to give it all up and go live in a cave. You will, one day get snagged, and by a pretty good woman, (at least clever if she gets a grip on a confirmed bachelor! http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif )

[GroundZero3]

6. Do your own thing...if she likes it...your safe, if she does not...who gives a rats *****, drop her off at the first opurtunit

HERE HERE!! Preach on! My motto is there other fish out there! Live and learn and if you get involed with somebody be prepared to fall sometimes. i had a thread last summer and i let my heart out on the forum. i didn't care who read it. i can't seem to find it but everything you said i said too. give it time and you will be back to your regular self!!

Jason

[LemonHead]

woman like @zzholes

Yeah, I guess they don't want people like me, who sit up straight, walk properly and speak properly (i.e. not "limp bizkit style" http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif).

Hang in there, bud! You'll find someone!

[Richard_Cranium72]

Yea, that's why they call em a "Crush"

Waaaay too soon you get thoughts of extended relationship when you really know nothing about them.

Without knowing it, you emit vibes of a desperate person(I know I do anyway)

Given the same situation, same people, if you give them all of your attention without emitting vibes of wedding bells, you'll go far..

Remember this if nothing else.

Women are BLIND and Stupid when it comes to MEN and MEN only..

I've seen many gorgeous women with the ugliest, pig sty, most moronic men the world could offer.

I've had women tear at my clothes in a bar(Los Angelos) had them tell their friends that I was the best looking guy that they'd ever seen..
I've overheard a girl say that I was a DOG also http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif

Same me, different opinions..

It don't matter what you look like as long as you are fastidious(clean)

Make sure the shirt is not polyester cause these really turn some womens olfactory senses OFF(Bad Smell)

Floss and the whole nine yards, I don't need to mention this, but what they heck.

Forget her, it's her loss, not yours.

Single life does have advantages, I have been single all my live except for 4 years.

Well kinda, when you are in a monagamous(sp?)relaionship for years on end, you might as well be married.

One thing works for sure, find a lady who is in need of a man,, one that you and her both KNOW that you are NOT interested in each other.

Take her places, Dutch Treat(share expenses)

When you are "taken" that is "With" a women, your appeal rises about 50% to other women.

If push comes to shove, offer a friend compensation to "Escort" you places.

Stay the H away from dim, dank, nasty Beer joints, the "Meat Markets" are more productive for middle or upper class women..

DrVette

[S.D.Willie]

ablang:

i once met a really good looking woman at one of those fake wedding party deals. i was pulled into the crowd/dancefloor to interact with the rest of the actors and actresses. funny enough my brother asked his wife to marry him that night. she agreed. i asked this beautiful woman for her phone number. i was very casual about it also. she obliged and gave it to me. but.........i called her twice and never got a call back. soon after that i found out that(some) girls give numbers out out of guilt and frustration. f*ing lame. just say no, not interested. dont waste my time i can deal with 5 or 10 minutes of hurt rather than a week!! some people are such losers.
why waste someones time?
i'll tell you this my friend. im a true believer in the old "good things come to those who wait"

SD

[BBA]

I usually don't ask for numbers...I usually don't even ask.

They find me anyway http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif

[eq.rights]

Some free advice from a married woman:
1. If a woman is interested in you, she will let you know when she is free for a date.
2. Get out and meet people-take a course at the college, go to church, join a club, volunteer for some organization or take up a hobby where you will meet people.
3. Being clean and neat are more important to most women than being handsome (or ugly).
4. Dating is for getting to know someone that you think you might like, not a permanent committment.
5. Being in love and having someone love you back is worth the effort!
Good Luck

[Warthog]

*makes mental note: come to Sysopt for dating advice*
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif

Gee, this must be a common problem to come off desperate; I thought it was just me. Been there done that.

Believe me, I will be back consulting you fine folks when that time comes http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif

Warthog

[Gomer]

Hey Lemonhead...
Yeah, I guess they don't want people like me, who sit up straight, walk properly and speak properly (i.e. not "limp bizkit style" ).

just thought I'd remind ya of this jewel of a thread http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif =)
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/Forum17/HTML/003739.html

[krusty the klown]

Actually Ab, if you really aren't in a huge hurry wait just a few more years, (late thirties) by then most single women are on the second time around and things are getting tight because we're starting to gain in numbers and the availability becomes less...

Grrrrrrrrrr! 'nother 7 years to wait http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif

Hmmm... kid time http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

So, I need to find someone who is interested in me, not seeing someone else & not into kids (foals are good - live outside, don't scream, cannot physically vomit and they are cute http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif). Well, guess that's eliminated 99.999999% of women http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[Yar1182]

You suffer from classic nice guy syndrome. . Women like @zzholes, it doesn't make sense, but we know this to true. You have to have to work at your game. Don't show your into her too much, show at least one level less interest in her, as she does you. Don't use that corny movie romance stuff, it doesn't work. If you do it before any real feeling are developed (on her part) you end up looking like a stalker. **** her off every now and then. Women need the drama.

[BBA]

Yar1182 hit the nail on the head.

Some tips on dating:

1. Getting a number obligates you to use it THAT SAME DAY to make plans THAT SAME NIGHT! If she doesn't want to go out that night...tell her you probably won't call her again. Nothing is there.

2. Do not visit someone at work once you have the number...unless it is after the first few dates and real interest is there...then still try NOT to visit her at work again.

3. Flowers do work.

4. Do not talk about emotions in the first month...or heck, even 6 months...it only shows how desperate she thinks you already might be.

5. If a woman doesn't give you a glaring smile with a twinkle in her gleaming eye's...you do not want to approach her for the purpose of dating.

6. Do your own thing...if she likes it...your safe, if she does not...who gives a rats *****, drop her off at the first opurtunity http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif

[CMonster]

I just wish some lady named "Rosa" wouls stop giving out my number to all the men who hit on her.....

[LemonHead]

ok, scrub the "talk properly" bit :P

I try to refrain from using "Fadge" and "Nadgers" and othre such kickass words.

What i meant was pronouncing words properly.
I don't think any girl would take it too kindly if i said that she looked "the mutz nutz tonight"

[doggabone]

I have better advice.

Ignore all the advice http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif.

What follows are just random riffs off stuff I think I just read ...

Sure, it seems much of the time that women prefer donkeys to nice guys. It also seems most of the time that guys prefer ... errmmm ... "women of loose morals" to women of intelligence, humour, and wit. Hey - I know a lot of either gender who have dated donkeys and W.O.L.M. That includes the homosexuals in my social circle. I just don't know any who STAYED with them. At this point, I can't think of anyone who stayed in a long-term and caring relationship who wasn't happy and comfortable in their own skin. And that goes double for the folx they stayed WITH.

Some people will be spooked by poetry on the first date. Some will not. Some people will want sex on a first date. Some will not. It doesn't matter. "To thine own self be true", I think the line goes. If you don't, who will.

That was advice, so ignore it http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif.

True story #2 (#1 is up above): (location : my dad's 50th birthday party, many people present). Dad had married his current wife a couple years previous. His marriage to my mom was not happy. So, I look at my dad and I say "Was it worth the wait?" (I mean ... I've known the guy for most of my life, and he's never looked happier.) He says to me - "Twice over." DAY-am. 13 years of marriage in, he still says so. And means it.

And as far as romantic v. donkey goes - every X-mas, he draws in 1-3 sketchbooks, a diary of their previous year together. They are working on their third shelf of these books now, and we still leave the room each X-mas so that they may bawl their eyes out in privacy. He's the happiest person I have ever met - but his wife is a very, very near second to him.

Believe you me, I took notes http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif.

[Kruzin]

This pretty much sums it up...
http://www.veryuseful.com/mustang/fun/lifeAsAGuy.asf

[krusty the klown]

Hehehe - that animation's class http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif

[gyoung]

I'll chip in my 2 cents from my own experiences. There was a time when I was looking for a girlfriend.

That was a BAD thing. I was very discriminating and found myself in some situations that I did not want to be in. After the last one I said to myself, "Screw it, I'm happy with myself. I'll just be single because I'd rather be single and happy than with someone and miserable.

I went on like that for about 6 months. I had a great time with my friends and met some great people. I didn't ask anyone out, but I met a lot of new friends (girl friends). It was amazing how much different I was when I wasn't looking.

Well the story ends at the end of that 6 months when I still wasn't looking and I saw her. I only got a name. Using my own creativeness I found her number (in the white pages). Now we are married. Almost a whole 2 months.

Not dating and just having fun with my friends was the best decision that I ever made.

The best way isn't to look directly, but to just keep your eyes open. This will allow to meet and come into contact with more people until you meet someone that you would like to spend your life with.

This will sound a lot like Yoda but don't try to find a wife or girlfriend. Look for fun things to do, you will likely find the one for you doing the fun things that you like to do.

[Rayven]

"Happiness (or love in your case) is like a butterfly. If you chase it, it will fly away. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and rest quietly on your shoulder."

It worked for me. I found my wife of twelve years this Thursday when I stopped looking for the love of my life and started living.

[Toadman]

Dating Tips (http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html) http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif

[This message has been edited by Toadman (edited 07-09-2001).]

[Ziz]

Dennis Miller had a rant about sexual harrassment and how the majority of the accusations are really just innocent comments blown out of proportion. He ended with a "solution" to the whole problem. We should put all our time, money and know-how into genetically engineering a third sex that everyone can just f**k indiscriminately without feeling the need to phone the next morning. We could calll them "Recepticants", and they would heal the world. And while this solution may sound silly, it's no sillier than what we're doing now - a tentative sexual two-step in which neither partner wants to lead, neither partner wants to follow, and everybody's feet are getting stepped on.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[Ritalin Kid]

You might find yourself in a better position if you just acted like you don't care.. Seriously.. the only thing that I've found keeps girls interested is just acting like you don't care.. I act the same on dates as I do when hanging out with friends and if I feel a girl is trying to play hardball I just act like I don't care about it.. I can't explain why but it works.. my only guess is that they get some sick satifaction out of making a guy care and then treating them like **** cause it seems that's what has happened to my friends and has happened to me..

Just act like you don't care.. go about your business and act as if you don't have time for her.. and for the sake of God don't visit her every chance you get at her work.. make her visit and call you.. if you want to really know if she likes you then stop being the one whoz always acting interested make her chase you instead.. if she likes you and starts to think you've lost interest then she will come to you if she's not interested then she won't put forth an effort at all..

[This message has been edited by Ritalin Kid (edited 07-10-2001).]

[surrealchereal]

I've had women tear at my clothes in a bar(Los Angelos)
Uh doc? You forgot to mention it was a nudist colony and you were the only one dressed.
had them tell their friends that I was the best looking guy that they'd ever seen Oh, and you forgot to mention the location of the incident, FrogsButt TN and what made you so attractive was that you actually had teeth.
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

hey, because I got my /\/\ goin' the wrong direction..(as usual)

[This message has been edited by surrealchereal (edited 07-11-2001).]

[Canon]

LOL
Whoa, there's a lot of dating advice here.
I think I'll also make a mental note of Sysopt as a dating site =P

I used to be like ablang, but I really messed up part of my life. After getting rejected, I got drunk, picked a few fights, woke up the next morning not knowing what happened the night before. Now I'm just thankful I'm alive. Scr*w women, it's not worth getting messed over. I've tried every tactic, known to man (and some known only to women), and nothing has ever worked. Been a sweetheart, been a *******, been a nice guy, been a guy-who-didn't-care-'bout-anything, been a obsessed manic (see also sweetheart), been myself, and everything in between. Some of them work for some guys; for others, they just don't work.

Ya know, the only one that seems to work is just be that kid you used to be; the one who would run around the park, and play in the sand box. Count your blessings (much easier when you've gone through a near-death experience). And most importantly, be happy. It's kinda hard, right after rejection, but hey, there's no point in being depressed. It's not going to get her to go out with you.

After a while, you'll realize life is good. If you don't see it like that, well chances are a girl would have probably come your way by then, anyhow.

- If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

[ablang]

First of all, I would like to take the time to thank all those (especially Surreal, whose words seemed to make the most sense) who have taken the time to help me and others overcome what has just happened. And for the record, I just got a new phone number from a lovely gal named Alicia last Monday night. I am now 2 for 3 on phone numbers. Never mind what usually happens after that. http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

Here are emails from 4 people who replied to me (1 from a good friend of mine in FL):

From: ff7rule
Hello there

I just want to send you my deepest concern. Sorry, I don't really have any
advice for you. Quite frankly I'm not in the position to give you any
advices because I didn't even get past the part where I tell the other
person how I feel. I wish that I can summon the courage like you. But I
dunno if I can face the rejection if things don't work out though. Perhaps
I'm the kind of person who'd rather never fall than to fall, get back up,
and learn from it. Since you got past the falling part, try to get back up
and learn from the experience. Not always an easy task, but you'll probably
do it eventually.

Anyway.. speaking from whatever little experience that I have, I'd have to
agree that nice guys finish last. Or if you're anything like me, who's shy
and afraid as hell, you'll never finish (hope that's not the case though
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif ). Don't you hate it when you see people or friends who act like jerks,
but yet they are involved in a relationship anyway? It's like there's a nice
guy, who's willing to give all his love with all his heart, right here
waiting, yet they tend to be with other people.

Hope things work out for you
Tim

--

From: bkazanas

Ron,

Here is my advice, take it or leave it. RUN FROM HER, DON"T WALK, RUN! She is not worth you. You now know your place on her priority list. It is obvious. Get over it and move on. Your setting yourself up for disappointment if you invest anymore time on her. Sounds like she might be a nice person but her life is a mess. Don't try fixing people. I learned that a long time ago. That goes for relationships of people in general.

Dr. Bill

--

From: kingdave

What you went through is a devastating experience and we can all relate to it in
various circumstances. But it is also a character-building experience for us
too.

But does that mean you should turn off dating? No way. You are already
conceding
defeat if you do that. And I'm not going to tell you that you should show off
in
front of her telling her how much she has missed you. Why? Because she won't
bother with whatever you do anyway.

It is very easy to develop perceptions on women once you are scarred by that
experience and I can understand your perceptions on them. But I cannot see that
you are going to achieve anything unless you begin to appreciate that life is
more
than just the woman you love. Life is too short to wallow in self-pity or
complain
what injustice the woman has done to you.

Appreciating that there are more to life and loving life as it is will go a long
way to overcome the setbacks you just had in your life. So make the most of it.

--

From: acc4arh

Dude, calm down. Your one and only is going to love you! You need to
keep focused on that! I have crushes all the time and have learned that
you never ever invest emotions in someone who doesn't invest emotions in
you. Period, smack your own face if you do! Sounds like you are a little
lovesick right now, and it does happen to the best of us, but look at it
as a stray emotion that really is something else, maybe a distant or cold
parent, or a reminder of someone whom you loved and lost. My read on her
and you is that YOU will be better off forgetting HER. I say this because
love isn't supposed to hurt like that at the beginning, or be that hard.
For treatment, I propose that you set one hour a day from which you will
think about her, say from six to seven pm, and you will not think about
her for the rest of the day. That is this week, then next week you will
do the same, but only every other day. By week three you will not be
allowed to think of her more than one day a week. And in the meantime,
you must go out on two dates every week. And NO, you can't ask her! Even
if you have to go to yahoo.com and chat and meet women in your area for
coffee, you are going to have a happy dating life.
Alison
Pay your five cents at:
ASGTRP #111
Shrink to the Stars

[This message has been edited by ablang (edited 07-12-2001).]

[ablang]

I saw Anjie today at work (she had to see me at my booth). We exchanged pleasantries. I asked her what the rest of her night looked like. She said she was going to go home and smoke pot. I even verified that with her drinking buddy.

I felt so much better that we never got together. I can't believe I used to wonder if I could ever be in her league. She doesn't deserve me. She is so trash.

On another topic, I have to focus on Alicia. But with people being so busy these days, I wonder how people ever get together.
I wonder if I should just work 2 jobs and be so busy that I never have to worry about the lack of a dating life. It's so discouraging to get the guts to ask for a girl's #, only to have to battle through getting in touch with her and seeing if she has "free time".

[surrealchereal]

ablang,
Dude, I like totally forgot to mention one very important thing, style. Don't ask a fem for her number and then call her up and ask her out later. I don't think that's how it's done anymore. Maybe the next time you want to ask someone out you should just casually bring it up instead of making a big deal out of it, for instance. When you can in the conversation say (hopefully it's kind of timed, like talking about something and it relates to it, like "seen the new Possum Flats Movie?" "Me neither" (depending on her reaction does she plan on seeing it or not) either drop it or go into "we should go see it," if you get a sure or nod of agreement say "how about this weekend?" Get it narrowed down to a 4 hour time span as in the 7 o'clock show. or something like that, then get her number. Call her one time and as you get her engaged in conversation tell her you have to go, depart while her interest level is still high, setting her up to think of you because you left her in anticipation of a story or punch line, anything but dead air because you guys are in one of those moments and there is nothing left to say except "well I guess I'll see you Saturday." If the conversation went well, and well means more than she didn't go into a coma while on the phone with you say something like "think about where you'd like to eat too, and let's do that. I've been wanting to try something new, so you pick someplace you really like" I'll be looking forward to it, Surprise me.
Well, that's enough I think that might have been my 2 bits instead of 2 cents.

[This message has been edited by surrealchereal (edited 07-17-2001).]

[surrealchereal]

"quote"i'll tell you this my friend. im a true believer in the old "good things come to those who wait"

Yeah but no one has knocked on my door yet, I don't think it happens that way. Maybe I need a sign on the door? Wanted....

"quote"So, I need to find someone who is interested in me, not seeing someone else & not into kids (foals are good - live outside, don't scream, cannot physically vomit and they are cute ). Well, guess that's eliminated 99.999999% of women....

Well I would hope so! Or did you want one a little long in the face?

quoteGrrrrrrrrrr! 'nother 7 years to wait
Hmmm... kid time.....

Please say you meant offspring!!?

"quote"I don't think any girl would take it too kindly if i said that she looked "the mutz nutz tonight".....

I don't think it has any relevance either (like this post) but it's funny as all get out! http://www.sysopt.com/forum/biggrin.gif

"quote" Ya know, the only one that seems to work is just be that kid you used to be; the one who would run around the park, and play in the sand box....

Maybe thats who you should always be, and I bet you're easier to be around and a lot more fun.

One last thing, as mentioned before don't overlook the girl that isn't a perfect 10. The number one all time hottest man I ever met, was a 6 at best on first glance. My thought was, eh. too bad he's kinda ugly. I looked again and saw that the first time I missed an enormous brain, wit, humor and other great attributes. Well, he quickly became the sexiest most attractive man I ever met, and to think I would have missed the meeting if I hadn't taken a second look. Too bad fate said no. http://www.sysopt.com/forum/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by surrealchereal (edited 07-17-2001).]

[krusty the klown]

ROFL - Oooops!!!!! Shouldn't get too many references to farmyard animals in any one post or folk get the wrong idea http://www.sysopt.com/forum/redface.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/redface.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/redface.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/redface.gif

Now, where'd I put my velcro gloves http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[gwinters]

Women like to chase, not be chased. I had the same thing happen to me recently. Must be that time of year.

[cedar2]

I think they are tucked in your wellies Krusty

[Warthog]

Yes, must be mating season.

CONGRATS ON BEING A SENIOR MEMBER, SURREAL!

I know, you wanted it low key, so that's what I did.

Warthog

[krusty the klown]

BAAAAA!!! (http://www.voyager.co.nz/~bevanw/images/DavePom_sheep.jpg)

[This message has been edited by krusty the klown (edited 07-19-2001).]

[LemonHead]

sheep, hmm yes, like sheep.

[surrealchereal]

ROFLMAO
ok, so your new girlfriend eh?
and i wondered why your boots looked like that!

[surrealchereal]

Awe geez, now look at what we've done to this thread. Sorry ablang. Some people (like us, ok me) have not and will not ever be couth.

[LemonHead]

i'm personally an uncouth youth

[krusty the klown]

So ablang... have ewe found another ladyfriend yet?

[LemonHead]

i'll bet she's maa-a-a-a-ad for you

[krusty the klown]

She'll be wanting to moooove in soon!

What will the neighbours think? http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[surrealchereal]

Hey! quit horsing around!

(ok I'll play fair I just edited out 23 other bray on words)

[krusty the klown]

Hey... who said you could baaaaaarge in on the action? http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[surrealchereal]

who who ?
?? Hey it's my birthday! Owl drink to that!
http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif http://www.sysopt.com/forum/smile.gif

[ablang]

My two least favorite sayings that people are always telling me would have to be:

1. "You just haven't met the right one yet."
2. "Good things come to those who wait."

It's funny when I look at the people telling me that. Those are the folks who have already been there. No one knows what I am going through. Does anyone have a clue what it's like to be a 30 year-old virgin who's never dated? It's awful. I go through these hormone surges so often. I have the dating maturity of a 13 year-old. As far as saying #1 goes, I may get discouraged long before I get to that point. So what if I can get phone #'s. Women are apparently too polite or nice to turn me down up front, so they let me think I might be getting somewhere with a phone #, only to repeatedly get the machine, or to always find her busy when she does answer.

I am so ticked off at women right now, and I haven't even started dating yet!

Oh, and you guys should see some of the affectionate nicknames my co-workers have come up for me: the workplace stalker, mental, obsessed, lovesick, loverman, & stripperman.

-- Lovesick

[Sweeper]

Good things come to those who wait.... HA!
Man, I am -EDIT- yrs old and I thought I had the "Good Thing", but as soon as I started thinking, I had the good thing....NOT!!!!! She turns. EVIL...EVIL I SAY!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sweeper

[RADAR1797]

Dude, you so need a hooker. If you don't want to deal with the ****, a purely transactional exchange will at least clear the pipes and maybe your mind a bit.

-RADAR

[Yar1182]

Originally posted by Ablang
Does anyone have a clue what it's like to be a 30 year-old virgin who's never dated? It's awful. I go through these hormone surges so often. I have the dating maturity of a 13 year-old.

You know I've been refraining from asking, but what happened to cause you to be a 30 year old virgin who has never dated. Are you physically unatractive, an introvert, or is it a self esteem issue? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just wondering what the problem is.

[ablang]

My reasons might be a combination of all those things.

Or I might have been sitting back waiting for a woman to discover me (I'm told that even agressive women don't make the 1st move).

My excuse in college (while trying to earn my B.S. degree in Electrical Engineering) was that I was trying to focus on my studies.

I grew up around Caucasian women, and I know for a fact, that most women are not into inter-racial dating, so that stacks the deck against me.

[surrealchereal]

Unless you're a new Martian species with purple dots and orange stars, lock eyes with a woman, smile and be interested and she will be intereseted back. Actually if you are fun to be around, positive and sincere it wouldn't take long before a woman wouldn't see the orange stars if that's the problem.
Are you only into inter-racial dating? I know white and black women that are only into inter-racial dating. But I don't know anyone that only dates guys from Mars you might have a point, if that's what's holding you back, your Martian ancestry.

[surrealchereal]

oh and then there is always Krusty's Solution. (http://www.voyager.co.nz/~bevanw/images/DavePom_sheep.jpg)

[jad1097]

surreal, does have some good points. Always be outgoing and positive. If you have a good memory and can put things together quickly as they develop get a book on body language. Knowing a bit about body language may just help you out a bit because it will help you to read people better.

There are many different types of women and a different approach is needed for each woman. Go to clubs and observe people for a few nights, watch the guys who seem to get all the women, learn from them. Notice how most of these guys will flirt with a dozen or more women, they are playing the field. Clubs are the worst place to find a woman for a long-term relationship 99% of the time. Find a place of interest and look there.


Above all be yourself and don't let anyone tell you different unless you just want to get laid.


I met my wife right before my 21st B-day and at the time I had several girlfriends and no interest in any relationship other than a sexual one. She never backed off me but yet she never got to the point where she would annoy me. She knew what she wanted and waited for it. She knew I thought she was cute but also knew I was still playing the field, she decided to date me and I just treated her as another friend (had many female friends back then). Six months latter she was the only one in my life and 11 years latter we are married with children. She literally turned my life around. Other than my wife and one other woman I have never had a serious relationship, it was all about sex. Not to sound egotistic but I was quite active at playing the field and was able to learn their games. I still have women flirt with me all the time because of the carefree way I carry myself.

My point in telling you this is because you just never really know what a women has in mind and if you really want a long term relationship you must start out as friends. On a rare occasion a sexual relationship may turn into love but usually they just burn out or go nowhere. Find a woman or several and start slow. Do not let them know you have a crush on them, just act like they are a friend until something develops. If nothing happens with one move on to the next one. Don’t let it get you down when nothing develops she has friends, met them too. Remember you are playing a game and treat it as such. I can’t even count how many women have turned me around, stopped me in my tracks or lead me on but I just blew it off and moved on to the next one.

Oh, inter-racial dating does make it a bit more complicated depending on where you live. I don’t think it makes much of a difference for most people though. I guess I have an inter-racial relationship since my wife is Cuban and I am an anglo American.


[This message has been edited by jad1097 (edited 07-25-2001).]

[Yar1182]

Ablang

Have you considered dating services (online or otherwise). I don't have any experiences with them personally, but in your case I don't see how it can hurt. This way you will know that the women are single, and looking to date. Probably cost you some money, if it saves you some emotional pain it might be money well spent

[surrealchereal]

as to the online dating stuff, hey there are a bunch that are free for the 1st 30 days or so, BUT you must put a picture of yourself on with it. No one will reply if you don't.

[krusty the klown]

Hey! I didn't say she was for sharing! http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

(shearing, maybe!)

[surrealchereal]

well this has been a hair raising experience to say the least.
the shear enlightenment, and to make sure no one pulls the wool over your eyes. http://www.sysopt.com/forum/wink.gif

[Yar1182]

originally posted by surrealchereal

as to the online dating stuff, hey there are a bunch that are free for the 1st 30 days or so, BUT you must put a picture of yourself on with it. No one will reply if you don't.

You know I'm sure we could touch up some pictures for you in Photoshop or something and you could try your hand at some online dating services. Kind of reminds me of that circuit city commercial. Nothing super drastic. Maybe a black and white head shot. then we could help you write something witty to go with it. Worst case scenario you strike out and get no responses (much better than getting shot down in real life). More probably you get to go out on a few dates and get some experience. Ya never know.

[surrealchereal]

One thing Yar, women aren't nearly so picky about looks as guys seem to be. If a guy is well groomed, well dressed or current in his dress. Has a good haircut, and about where he should be weight wise. He's in. Biggest turn off? A slob with spots on his clothes.

I wonder if you guys realize how much of a difference a good haircut makes? (sorry Cadd this doesn't include you.) Your haircut can make you look like a dweeb nerd, or hottie. So, maybe you should save that 10.00 somewhere other than on the price of your haircut.

[Yar1182]

So women do not necessarily put a lot of weight on appearance, but you should make sure you are well groomed, wear spotless clothing, and have a sharp hair cut. Although this may have some truth, it's things like this that confuse men regarding women.

Let me explain...
You see men see the world as "this is how I think, so this is how I behave." We do not agonize over our own appearance to the point that we wear make up, go in for extravagant sessions at the hair dresser, get our nails done, or constantly think we are fat. To be honest we would like nothing better than to wear something comfortable and practical. If it can be said that men place less value on their own appearance, they place less value on a woman's appearance.
Women on the other hand do place a lot of value on their appearance. My girlfriend, although she is 5'6" 120 pounds, and looks great without make up insists she is always slightly overweight and need make up to be presentable. This would lead you to believe that if women place such a regard on their own appearance, they should place such a value on potential men. Women always "claim" this is not the case.

Let's look at the score board,

Women "claim" they want nice guys, but usually don't give nice guys any play.

Women "claim" that appearance in not as important in regard to men, but place very high value on appearance for themselves.

Personally I concluded that women have no idea what they want or what they think. Either that or they strait out lie.

[justy]

First of, Krusty, where did you get that picture of my sister and her sheep?

Secondly Yar, You're right. They don't know what they want. Hmm... How are we supposed to know what they want.

I go back to the old " Be yourself! " statement. Stuff all this messing around, being super wonderful. When all you want is the goodies. Hmmm... Women, generally want the same thing. I think its called human nature.

Yes men are shallow. Enquote " You are so shallow, I could paddle in you ".

I replied, "Just make sure you're only wearing a Tshirt when your doing it."

Man I love Woman.

Hehe, Justy.

P.S. Did I kill the original thread?