daveleau
05-31-2001, 06:23 AM
"I'm going to play basketball for the Sixers.
"You doubt me? Hah! They have to sign me, thanks to my new hero, Casey
Martin. He can't walk the course like all the other golfers because of his
bum leg, so he asked the PGA for a golf cart. But the PGA told him to walk 18
holes like everyone else or take a hike.
"So Martin did what every American does nowadays when they can't get their
way: he sued. Martin's argument was simple: he can swing a golf club and make
shots as good as other PGA golfers, and that's all that matters. The rest of
the game - the walking, the sun, the rain - are all unfair. He accused the
PGA of discrimination citing the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). The
Supremes agreed. Now, Casey can zip around in a golf cart, while all the
other players must walk.
"Hooray!!! How does that get me an NBA contract? Simple. I also have a
disability. Millions suffer from this debilitating illness that often goes
undiagnosed, revealing itself at embarrassing moments. My disability? White
Man's Disease.
“Sufferers of White Man's Disease understand the pain. We cannot run. We
cannot jump. All the brothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about,
too. Nothing is sadder than watching nine black men careening down a
basketball court, slam-dunking and high-flying, followed by some old white
guy chugging along 20 yards behind.
"But White Man's Disease does not prevent shooting the ball. And here is
where I'll win. You see, I can shoot the rock as good as many NBA players.
Maybe better. No lie! I got a killer 20-foot jump shot. I shoot foul shots
better than half the NBA. And anyone can shoot a lay-up.
"But White Man's Disease prevents me from making those shots, because I
cannot escape the quicker, taller, or better leapers guarding me. And that's
unfair. According to the Supreme Court, making the shot is what counts,
right? It is clear the NBA is discriminating against me because of my
disease. If they won't make special accommodations, I'm gonna sue...
"I demand a level playing field! From now on, every NBA player who jumps
higher than me must wear bricks in his shorts. Faster players have to wear
old loafers instead of sneakers. I want a shorter court, because I get tired
easier. It's only fair. And I demand my own personal 8-foot basket. Then I
can dunk like Shaq.
" … I salute Casey Martin for leading us to a higher plane of athletic
triumph, winning the modern way: suing for victory. No more performance diets
or weight lifting. Just pass a law and get a good attorney, and any athletic
goal is within reach. So forget Kobe's helicopter windmill dunks, and forget
Mutombo's wingspan defense. I'm gonna make millions in the NBA. Watch out,
Allen Iverson. I got game, baby... you want summa diss???"
- Tom "White Men Can't Jump" Adkins, "The Common Conservative," 5/30/01
"You doubt me? Hah! They have to sign me, thanks to my new hero, Casey
Martin. He can't walk the course like all the other golfers because of his
bum leg, so he asked the PGA for a golf cart. But the PGA told him to walk 18
holes like everyone else or take a hike.
"So Martin did what every American does nowadays when they can't get their
way: he sued. Martin's argument was simple: he can swing a golf club and make
shots as good as other PGA golfers, and that's all that matters. The rest of
the game - the walking, the sun, the rain - are all unfair. He accused the
PGA of discrimination citing the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). The
Supremes agreed. Now, Casey can zip around in a golf cart, while all the
other players must walk.
"Hooray!!! How does that get me an NBA contract? Simple. I also have a
disability. Millions suffer from this debilitating illness that often goes
undiagnosed, revealing itself at embarrassing moments. My disability? White
Man's Disease.
“Sufferers of White Man's Disease understand the pain. We cannot run. We
cannot jump. All the brothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about,
too. Nothing is sadder than watching nine black men careening down a
basketball court, slam-dunking and high-flying, followed by some old white
guy chugging along 20 yards behind.
"But White Man's Disease does not prevent shooting the ball. And here is
where I'll win. You see, I can shoot the rock as good as many NBA players.
Maybe better. No lie! I got a killer 20-foot jump shot. I shoot foul shots
better than half the NBA. And anyone can shoot a lay-up.
"But White Man's Disease prevents me from making those shots, because I
cannot escape the quicker, taller, or better leapers guarding me. And that's
unfair. According to the Supreme Court, making the shot is what counts,
right? It is clear the NBA is discriminating against me because of my
disease. If they won't make special accommodations, I'm gonna sue...
"I demand a level playing field! From now on, every NBA player who jumps
higher than me must wear bricks in his shorts. Faster players have to wear
old loafers instead of sneakers. I want a shorter court, because I get tired
easier. It's only fair. And I demand my own personal 8-foot basket. Then I
can dunk like Shaq.
" … I salute Casey Martin for leading us to a higher plane of athletic
triumph, winning the modern way: suing for victory. No more performance diets
or weight lifting. Just pass a law and get a good attorney, and any athletic
goal is within reach. So forget Kobe's helicopter windmill dunks, and forget
Mutombo's wingspan defense. I'm gonna make millions in the NBA. Watch out,
Allen Iverson. I got game, baby... you want summa diss???"
- Tom "White Men Can't Jump" Adkins, "The Common Conservative," 5/30/01