Thoughts from a broken heart.....

[GroundZero3]

Sorry i need to get this out

My head hurts from thinking all the time. i thought i had everything that everything was perfectly right. I can't sleep right now i wish i could fall alseep and not have to deal with it ever again. im still in denial that this is even happening to me. where did it go wrong? but what did i do or not do to have this happen. i let my walls down slowly and i still got hurt. i thought about not even trusting her but still i gave her a chance. maybe im not ready to date or i can't handle it. i never wanted this to happened. i feel life throwing up and there is nothing that nobody can tell me thats gonnna make me feel better. i have been sad for a long time and she made me happy. i thought about her all the time and when i was pissed she called and she made me happy just by calling me up. i hate the idea of not be able to hug or touch her. it kills my insides so much thinking about it that i wish i could cut this part out. now im sitting here at 4 am wondering what to do now. should i be mad at myself or her? i try to listen to music to ease the pain but all it does is dulls it. everytime i look at my self i feel like pulling back from the world casue all it seems to want to do i hurt me. No f@ck that. there to much to look forward to be that down. okay that was a lame attempt to make myself feel better. but i guess this is the things you have to risk. i believe i love her. its not an obsesion or facuation. she says i don't. i have this knot now and i know that i care for her very much. i tried to treat her the way no one ever has. i don't know how that is but i treated her alot different than most girls. i guess you could call it special becasue she was different from the other girls. She wasn't *****y, whiny she stood up for what she wanted. she wasn't impressed by cars, money, or the type of clothes sometimes i felt like she didn't even found me attractive. maybe that why i had a hard time trusting her becasue i don't know if i was the the type of guy she wanted to be with. i wish this all made since. it caught me off guard and when i asked that question and it took her a while to answer it i knew that i was in trouble. its hard to talk to her casue she is just as lost and confused as i am. we both are drifting around looking for answer that no one can answer but we have to just figure out on our own. ah ***** today i have to work and its gonna be so long. f@ck it. hopefully it will be busy and it will distract me. i hate being in denial i feel that tommorow im gonna wake up and its gonna be all a bad dream. i wonder what the dream motif book would tell me if this was a dream. come on wake up please. just thinking about it makes me cry. she told me that she doesn't feel sad over the fact and that she can get over it quickly. i cried when she told me that. i felt like i was used and taken advantage of sometimes but i get mad at myself for even thinking that for one second. Staring at this screen listening to Deftones is not makeing me feel better. holy f@ck i wrote alot about one girl. i don't think i have ever done this. i tried to talk to my best friend jen but that didn't help. all it did was make me lonelyer casue i was thinking about how happy she is dating nate. i have this bad taste in my mouth. the night seems to drag on mocking me as i go thru this ****. drugs...... LOL drugs would make it all better i wouldn't be able to feel **** if i took some drugs. and if i took enuough i could attucaly get some sleep maybe. i wondering if she is having the same problem or if she is sleeping fine. f@ck f@ck f@ck i was gonna spend my pay check on her takening her out if i could of gotten it alittle bit faster. i can't be spontanous all the time and working a job is hard enough. i come home tired and just want to relax. ahhh bull**** excuses. she never was never really spontanous and it is a two way street. im done with it. im out of the dating scene. i can't deal with the hurt and bullsh!t anymore. now im probbally gonna get sick worrying and stressing. ****'t. i want to help her out so bad but theres only so much i can do. i want to be angry but i can't. i want to make her happy but i can't. so what good am i to her? im basically a boring guy. IM BORING!!! ouch okay that hurt me admitting to that. i give and give and i get ****ted on. ouch ouch ouch heart hurting. ****'t shawn where the f@ck are you???!?! i need to talk becasue you know how to help. my head hurts from thinking all the time. where is my life going and where will i end up. she says shes scared. im scared too but you can't be scared for life. you need to move over your fear. i asked if she was scared of me. she wouldn't answer. yes or no. that hurt. I wish i could be the guy she has always wanted. i felt maybe if i got out of the car yesterday grabbed her and kissed all over and told her i wanted her she wouldn't be feeling this way. No i can't dwell on well what if i did this or if i did this defferently. i don't need to start thinking that way. f@ck 4:42. i wish i could work a double today. more money and plus i wouldn't have to come home till about 10.


[This message has been edited by GroundZero3 (edited 07-26-2000).]

[geekgrl]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Just remember that you have to love yourself and make yourself happy before anyone else can. I'm sure that sounds like lame cliche advice, but I've found it to be very true.

[U-96]

woah! that stream of conciousness stuff is hard on the eyes! hit <enter> once or twice! http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/wink.gif

Sounds like you have been s**t on from a great height. http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/frown.gif

It's pretty certain that the majority of people, male and female have been there, done that, and got the tee-shirt. Some several times, kind of like those Olympic year tee-shirts - Montreal '76, Jane '93, Christine '87, etc http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

Basically, if she's off with someone else, forget it. It's not worth the trouble. Trust me on that one. You could try chasing, but you better prepare for more hurt and a real chance of making an @ss of yourself. Put yourself in the other position. Would you like someone chasing after you if you didn't want it? In today's world try that a couple of times and get a stalking charge.

Go out with your friends and get blasted. They'll alternately console you and rib you, but that's what they are for http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

Don't consider yourself boring. Consider everyone else to be burning the candle at both ends. Some people just don't care about going rockclimbing or clubbing every night or having a high-flying job. Does it occur to you that people who strive for such things are missing something elsewhere? Going with the flow is quite acceptable as a lifestyle in my book http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

And of course you are ready to date. You already have. In my book, that makes you ready. Don't expect to get it right first time round. Or second. Or third. Some people take an entire lifetime to find someone who is "right". Some people never do.
Don't strive for perfection in your partner either, unless you are perfect yourself. Having differences is as important as having things in common, you just have to work out the important ones.
You learn how to avoid "am I the right person" questions. Very dangerous ground. If you need to ask, the chances are the answer is "no". http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/frown.gif

Chalk it up to experience, stay busy, and don't touch the drugs. They're the last thing you need right now. Play squash, go swimming or a long walk alone in the countryside. Eat hot chili. Plenty of ways to stimulate your senses without pharmaceuticals.

As geekgrl said, love yourself. You've got to live with you for the rest of your life. http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

[Glynn R Harris]

There have been maybe four times in my life when I could have written exactly the same words as you do in your stream of consciousness, gz3. It is not easy to read, but it was not easy to experience, either.

Many of the things we do in life, and some of the most embarrassing and disappointing, are done in an effort to be liked, loved, appreciated and understood. You'll never stop being who you are, and others will always be who they are, so it only hurts you to wish she could see or understand or feel what she does not.

There will be another wonderful girl, one for whom convincing is not even necessary. She will just come to know you and love you for who you are.

For a more cerebral time-- when you feel a bit more like thinking on it-- look up Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and her work on the stages of Grief. At times of trauma, denial can be a GOOD thing. And you will go through those stages, all of them, as we all do. Then, and only then, do things get better.

[tonym]

GZ3,

The human heart has an uncanny ability to heal itself after being stabbed like hell in situations like you find yourself:

HURTS HURTS HURTS!

And it will. And it should. If it didn't, you wouldn't be a part of the human species. When things sort themselves out for you in the future you'll understand that you need the disappointment and hurt to gauge just how good you have things! This situation is one that builds "character". Now you're thinking, "...old Freud here can sit here dispassionately psychoanalyze my life at his keyboard many thousands of miles from my hurt and type me advice". But I've been there and done it. And I know that it:

HURTS HURTS HURTS

But life must go on. YOUR life must go on!!! There is no magic potion or pill you can take to cure what ails you. Time will do it for you. You just need to rustle up all your strength and go on with things. And remember that this won't be your last heartbreak/disappointment. There will be many more involving women, family, jobs, money, politics, etc. The ones that hurt the most are women and family. Just remember what you're going through RIGHT NOW, and it will help you to cope better when it inevitably happens again in the future.

And remember, the King himself waxed philosophical on this matter:

"Well since my ba-by left me, I've found a new place to dwell. It's down the e-end of Lonely Street. It's called 'Heartbreak Hotel'...".

I really hope that YOU can "check out" soon.


Good luck and best wishes...


Tony

[Banti]

GZ3,

I am in a similar position. I will not link the thread, but it is here in this forum. I stand behind the previous responses about your feelings and to love yourself. I also stand behind the suggestion to hang with your friends. I would like to offer some advice for the physical effects.

My advice (read as what has worked for me) is to work out. Work out hard early in the morning. Go about your day as usual. At home, do sit ups and pushups until you are jelly. This helped me to get sleep. This also helped me to vent anger (my gym has a punching bag) and frustration. Force food down. Having a low blood sugar from not eating will not help you. I ended up dropping 10 pounds in a week. I am eating now, but I still feel the effects sometimes. As far as work goes, do not push it to much. I have a job that is very team oriented, and I have almost taken a few heads off. I have been toying with the idea of telling my manager, you might want to do the same, especially if you are in a high customer interaction position.

I know it is tough right now, but it will get better.

Banti

[yaroa]

Man this bring back memories.
My friend, it may not look like it now but, trust me, it will pass.
I went trough the same ordeal and at the time, I did not think that I'd survive. Well, 20 years later here I am.
I still think about her, once in a blue moon,
but only in the context of passed experiences. No regrets.
PS. I am happily married and I adore my wife and my daughters.

[This message has been edited by yaroa (edited 07-26-2000).]

[qball]

Two options:

Point gun at head, pull trigger.
Point gun at my head, pull trigger.

I can't remember the comedian who say something like;

Who needs women. Get a dog for company and use the internet for porno.

One callous schmuck.

[BBA]

Been there...hopefully not again, but all things are less painful with time.

I think everyone looses some sleep once in a while, but face it...there are worse and better things awaiting you ahead, so be on your way!

The way I see it, as long as you wake up the next day...be happy, cause it obviously was not that important! http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

( Of course if you fear you will not wake up the next day...go get help...NOW!)

[GroundZero3]

Thank you all for your posts. i feel alot better. after i posted that i fell back asleep and got up to go to work. its funny how time slows down when your down and speeds up when your happy. thanks again
JaYsin

[bomac58]

Man GZ3 I am glad to see you post this afternoon. I got up this morning an read your post and it was dejavu and I was concerned for your well being. You are being hard on your self and as everyone else said we have had some similar experience. So, don't feel like you are strange for having feelings. You need to feel your feeling and allow yourself to verbalize them . Don't lock up,type it out it is the best thing for you.

[zskillz]

jeez man, I had the same thing happen to me last year, and I thought it was over... now I'm getting all sentimental...arrrggghhhh

I'm gonna have to go play some q2 or something to make me not think about her!

have you seen the movie Swingers???... if not, watch it. You'll definately understand why i'm suggesting it after you watch!

and btw, do you read any James Joyce, cause, as U-96 pointed out, stream of conciousness is his forte (try and read even a page of Finnegans Wake)(I don't think that I spelled that right at all btw)...

anyway, I truely know how you feel, and I hope that you can understand that this is probably not the last time you'll feel like this, so buck up and hang on for the ride....that's what life is all about!

-Z

[ablang]

I have to admit, guys & gals, its reading this kind of stuff that makes it hard for me to wanna jump in (for the 1st time).

Why? With American marriages lasting the 1st year only 50% of the time, doesn't all relationships eventually end up going bad?

[M1pilot]

Heavy, heavy thread. All I can say is, having gone through it myself a couple of times, is "chin up". I know it's a cliche, but you'll get over it in time. Life goes on, and hopefully it'll get better.

-M1pilot

[ayuen]

GroundZero3,

I completely understand what you're going through. I have to agree with what everyone else has said. This happened to me over three years ago and believe me, time heals all. Do I still think about it? Sometimes, but I don't let it bother me. I remember the good times and let it go at that. What killed me was she started seeing my 'friend' before the bedsheets were even cold. But then, that told me what kind of people they were and I asked myself - do I want people like that in my life? Not worth the time. You've got to live for yourself and be happy with yourself. Hang out with your friends and family and when you're ready, start again. Now I'm just rambling. Point is, hang in there, keep on living and never look back.

[Szech]

GZ3... First of all, I just want to say that it's good to acknowledge that you're sad. I think that's the only way you can get better. People who hide their feelings destroy themselves. Ever see someone smiling, and you know they're sad inside? Ever wonder why popular people commit suicide? Anyway, when you're done being sad, you can go on to being happy. Meanwhile, talk to others, you'll feel better getting things off your chest. Posting here was a good start. And I would definitely stay away from drugs. Not only do they not solve anything (REALLY, they don't), but doing drugs when you're in a bad mood yields bad trips. Take care, and if you want to talk, e-mail me.

[Tube]

Hmmmm.....been there....and its always the same, no matter what anyone says it doesn't stop you from feeling like sh$t and analizing yourself. Feels like your heart has been ripped out. One thing is for sure...drugs are not the answer. Be strong, be strong, and remember...many of us have been in that sinking ship too. Just stay afloat!

http://www.bigwig.net/softwaredesign/itchy1X1.gif

[RataToo]

in a similar situation a friend tried to console me with the following :

You'll be alright, dude....**** that *deleted*.


at the time it seemed like too small of a statement to address the entire issue...all the pain I was feeling... Three years later I realise that he was right. I am alright. **** that *deleted*. hehe


*edited for language*- Mntsnow http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by Mntsnow (edited 07-31-2000).]

[narayan]

Man. Wow. It's been so long since I've felt like that. Glad it's over. The last thing you need is to give up on women. Oh, yeah, no drugs. Women are immpossible to figure out, so don't even try. Just find another, as hard as that may be.

You are better off without her. Sounds like she led you on for a while. If she cared, she would not have. I went through that with a girl named Mindy *deleted* long time ago. Now she's married. SO WHAT. Later I realize that she's not my type. Glad I got over it.

Life is grand. Don't let anyone waste it for you.

Do something constructive and get drunk with your friends like U-96 said.

BTW, It sucks. http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/frown.gif


*edited to remove Personal information*

[This message has been edited by Mntsnow (edited 07-31-2000).]

[GroundZero3]

thanxs all im doing awhole lot better. the whole drug thing was just joking around i guess. I've only did drugs once in my life and that was last year. i thought it was the lamest waste of time. plus if im high how the hell am i gonna be able to kill Counter terriost on Counterstrike? http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif thanxs again for all your thoughts and support
JaYsin