I need help for married Sysopt'ers

[Banti]

Hi,

I would like to hear some good stories from married couples, because I need some cheering up.

I am going to my wife's attorney's office tomorrow to pick up papers for her divorce. After five years (one of which was marriage) she has told me that she did not love me in the way a woman should love her husband. She had been struggling with this in silence for a long time, and recently decided that it could not be fixed. She also had admitted to me during several long discussions that she had feelings for my best friend (also former best man). Within a week, he left his girlfriend. It seems that all they wait on now is the paperwork.

I have been betrayed by my two best friends, and I am struggling to make it day to day. I also have lost my dog (mostly willingly). I am a car crash away from being a country song http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif.

Thanks,
Banti

[wyvrn]

Oh God Banti sorry to hear about your troubles. Well I am happilly married 40 days later http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif . Don't get to see my wife except on weekends, and I am about to lose that priveledge. But we still love each other and talk on the phone half the night. We plan on building our dream house in a couple of years, once we both finally finish school.

Oh well I hope that helped. Stick in their man, at the very least this happened at the beginning of your marriage and not years into it...

[bobcat]

Sorry to hear that. Maybe seeing a therapist would help work through all those emotions. Everyone has had some sort of pain in that arena and it is hard to quantify as to whos pain is or has been worse than others. All I can say from personal experience that I nearly commited suicide many years ago over a break up. Spent the $$$ to ***** about it and many other things.

What I would have missed. I have been married for 4 wonderful years. We work real hard at communicating about our feelings and not to belittle the other person. Ocassionaly we faulter and then realize what a jerk either one of has been and we discuss it.

Just keep talking to everyone about it. Stay calm http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

[yaroa]

I am sorry about your predicament, It's hard to look on the bright side, but consider this: At least she was honest.
I've been married for 18 years (second for both of us). The first couple of years I could have swore that we werent going to last this long, but we worked at it and now we are very happy.
Good luck.

Did you have any kids?

[This message has been edited by yaroa (edited 07-20-2000).]

[scotter]

well I did not get married till I was 34 years old my mom and every one always told me you got to cut your hair you got to dress nice etc etc I said yeah if I got to do that to get married I will not wont her as she will expect that all the time If she wont except me for who I am forget it I'll grow old alone.

well the first time I set eyes on my wife I knew she was the one I know it sounds corny but it's true I told my best friend right then see that girl she gona be my wife http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif
were coming up on or 6th aniversery next month and I'll tell ya we been through more stuff that should have split us up than most couple's go through in there intire life but were still here and happy http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

your lucky your gettin a secound chance to find the right one that will love you for you.

go thank her for not staying any longer and making your marrage and life a living hell. be happy that your alive, in good health and have that chance to find some one else that will truly care for YOU.

[Banti]

No kids. Thank Goodness, and thanks to all of you for sharing http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif.

Banti

[This message has been edited by Banti (edited 07-20-2000).]

[barry glisson]

it hurts like heck now but you will get over it.look around you will be surprised what you find. my first mariage lasted 18 months,so far this one 32 years. barry

[smokin1]

I agree with Barry...look at it this way..you have been granted a favour...you now have your life to live as you like, and you are not sharing it with someone who doesn't see it the way you do. I have been there done that..believe me...someday you will thank her. I know..not now..but you will..there is SO much to live for...take the time..talk to people that are important to you...and SURVIVE...you deserve it...
it does get better...

[Glynn R Harris]

HER love, HER feelings... Banti I am sorry. You now know one of life's hard lessons, it is sad that you lost two within your trusted circle to learn it. Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment. You have feelings, "fall in love", your feelings fade and you "fall out of love"... in the meantime, you dedicate yourself to loving still, and then one day you find reason to "fall in love" all over again--- this is the nature of it. Feelings by themselves rise and fall, feelings by themselves will never make anything that lasts, not without the will to Give selflessly and not just Take. Banti wish them well, they deserve each other; I know it will be hard to overcome the setbacks, but my guess is that you deserve and will get better love than you had, if you can just learn to let that one go, and trust and give again to someone else who can do same.
Take care, Banti.

[bdunn]

Better to find this out now then after you have a few kids. I'm not happy but I'm not leaving either ause I don't wish to leave the kids.

[ck42866]

Like everyone else, I am sorry to hear about your misfortune. http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/frown.gif

But to be honest, better now than 5 years later down the road. Can you imagine if your marriage lasted 10 years and then she gave up on the marriage? That would frustrate me so much that I invested 10 years into what? Shoot, you're still young and will get over this in time.

Think of this as a new beginning, a new you. Don't look back on this and get upset. Look back on this and learn from it.

I know this is easier said than done but you really have no choice. Don't give up bro. You have your health, age, wisdom and most of all you have self respect.

Don't ever give up, I wouldn't even consider it. Remember, all this will only make you stronger.

Peter http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

[bomac58]

Hey Banti . I am really sorry about your situation with your marriage. I just went thru my second divorce two years ago. My first marriage at 20 was thru the belief that was what I should do. My first wife was mistreated by her mom and wanted a new life and choose me and I choose her thru my own beliefs. After 12 years of a very boring marriage so she said she ran off with a guy 20 years older than her. It felt like the end of the world.
My 2nd wife was a wild women who lived life on the edge and I thought that is what I wanted. Well, it wasn't.
It is easy to get depressed and feeling low. Don't fall for someone who tells you everything you want to hear. Be patience and make friends. The world is full of good women. Everyone has issues they deal with and it can run their life for them. You have to decide how you deal with your own issues and how it runs your own life. Denial is your own worst enemy.
Anyway, I am rambling I started seeing a counselor after my 2nd divorce and it was the best thing I ever did. I understand you are hurting and it is a guy thing to try to be macho. I am a project manager,a leader of men but my counselor taught me how to let me lead myself. Good luck.

[buddmann]

Banti,
Sorry to hear about what happened.
I know where you are coming from as my first wife left me without telling me that she was leaving,came home from 2 weeks work in the field and the house was empty.When I finally got in touch with her she told me that she was lonely and she missed her family so she moved back home,by this time she was already seeing an old highschool sweetheart of hers so I knew that it was the end for us.

After my second marriage I had given up on settling down and just stayed close to family and friends and kept busy at work.
A good friend of mine had set me up on a blind date and that was when I met my current wife (#3).
We have been married now for 9 1/2 years and I must tell you that I am one of the luckiest men alive today because of her.
So what I'm trying to tell you is to not give up and you will see that everything will work out for the best for all concerned.

BTW,After giving up on having children(testing,Invitro)we had decided that if GOD would have wanted us to have children then we would have had them.So after 3 1/2 years of giving up,my wife found out last week that we are going to be parents.What a shock to us.
So this goes to show you that all good things come to those who wait,no matter what.If it's meant to be then it shall come to pass.
I hope that this post helps you out and I just want to reitterate that the best is yet to come.

Regards, buddmann