blind to truth
06-21-2000, 07:55 PM
Frank, the Chili Judge
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears
to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made
of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the
chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears
to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made
of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the
chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)