Reading Daughters email......

[TweakerXP]

My friend just bought his family a new computer. He don't know anything about it, so I have been teaching him a few things about it over the last week. His daughter (13 yrs old) has a couple friends that have computers and has them at school. The other day he came into the room and he said she shut the computer off while she was in the middle of doing something, He asked what she was doing ,she said "nothing " and left the house. He has found out that a older boy (17 yrs old) likes her. We have found out she has her own E-MAIL account.

QUESTION: How can he find out who and what she is doing on the computer, without seeming like a snoop?

I have found a couple "questionable chat rooms" by looking at the "cookies" left from her visits.

He's just a concerned father.

Thanks

[King_Kooba_Fantastique]

Best thing you can do is talk to her in a relxed and easy going way about the incident, showing interest rather than concern.

To read her e-mails without her knowing youd have to become a criminal.

All the best.
KKF.

[JayMan]

Has he considered getting a net monitoring program such as net nanny or something of that type?

JayMan

[vfrxsw]

To monitor computer use http://www.spectorsoft.com/
But i think communication as KKF said is most important.

[daverme]

"QUESTION: How can he find out who and what she is doing on the computer, without seeming like a snoop?"

There is no way to snoop around and not be a snoop.

Trust ME cuz I've been there ... you DO NOT want your kids to think you don't trust them. If you snoop around, they will eventually find out, and it's human nature - if you try to prevent them from doing something, especially by sneaking around behind their backs, they will only want it more.

Do as KKF says - TALK to them. Let them know, in a CALM and RESPECTFUL manner that your ARE concerned and WHAT your concerns are. More than anything, let your kids know what your VALUES are, what is REALLY important to you. If you think it's inapropriate for a 17 year old boy to date a 13 year old girl (BTW, I agree) then let both him and the girl know ... again, in a CALM and RESPECTFUL manner. Then stand back and trust your kids to do the right thing. If you stand between them with a sword in your hand, you'te only asking for trouble.

BTW, it took 31 years but I've learned that my kids WANT to know how I feel. We may not agree and they may choose to learn the hard way but kids DO value their parents opinions, so long as those opinions are not shoved down their throats.

[daveleau]

Well, I agree that you have to talk to her and you cannot let her not trust you, but I could also see how your life could be made alot easier by just knowing more about what was going on. Having my 13 yo daughter dating a 17yo guy would absolutely drive me nuts!!!

You can try this app to stealthily record keystrokes and log on times... http://download.cnet.com/downloads/0-3356748-100-2064533.html?tag=st.dl.10001-103-1.lst-7-2.2064533
Dave

[Dputiger]

As a young kid who got on the Internet, I've got a couple points:

First of all, TRUST is absolutely essential. When I was a teenager (13 was 9 years ago) I NEEDED my own space, where Mom and Dad wouldn't snoop. I also needed to know Dad wouldn't read my email--and he never did. My room was mine as well.

Now had he suspected anything illegal was going on that would've been different, but I was presumed innocent until proven guilty.

#2, parents DO need to be involved. What I would recommend he do is limit her Internet use in general. Ask her about the people she talks too--engage her in conversation. Most importantly, if she shows she's willing to talk about the 17 year old, don't overreact and blow up as soon as she brings him up.

Should a 13 year old be dating a 17 year old? 99% of the time, no way. But remember, she doesn't know that. No kid thinks their immature / wrong. So he needs to find a way to deal with the situation without crushing her self-esteem--and her growing sense of independence (which to a point is very healthy).

[chuckiechan]

I am a believer that the computer should be in a common room used by all. I know that now a days everyone has their own everything, but I like the common useage theme.

At least she will need to be more sophisticated to sneak, and second don't forget to remind her that there is really no place to hide on a computer and to use discretion since anyone with moderate skills and imagination can snoop deeply.

That will give her something to think about when you are nosing around in the family computer!

Good luck....

PS: when you were a kid did you stash any pictures and stuff in a "secret spot"?

[skywalker[TSG]]

i would say trust her judgement

maybe they are just friends that talk over the internet

if you do find out that there is more than friendship going on
then sit down and talk to her about
it

i would not try to snoop or anything like that she might get very upset about it and so on

also it might be a good idea to talk to this guy
maybe he does not know that she is only 13
lets face it we all lie about something when we chat around with new ppl
let her learn from her mistakes and try to be a good father from that point on
but you can not prevent her from doing mistakes

[thekingofpain]

Communication is the KEY...

[shadow]

I agree that communication is the key but safety is a major factor as well which is why a parent may want to use all tools at their disposal. Take a look at the link.
http://www.iopus.com/starr.htm

[TweakerXP]

Thanks to all for the insight. I'm going to print all this and give it to him and let him make his OWN decision about this. I was a little uncomfortable about even posting the question. THANKS again!!!

GOD I'm glad I don't have kids, I would be insane by now! <G>

[brandon184]

What he needs to do is tell her that, that material is not allowed in their home, and if she continues viewing it, he will install parental control software. Like, NetNanny.

The kid sounds like a troublemaker anyway. Some kids will check out stuff like that, just because they are "curious".. But if this kid is going to these places consistantly, then she has issues that need to be sorted out.

I'm almost positive I know what I'm talking about on this one. It's what I would do, anyway. But then again... I'm 16. But then AGAIN... I'm closer to the "13 year old" generation. http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

- Brandon

[hhh8785]

Shadow was right when he posted that link. STARR PC Surveillance Utility is a good way to go if you want to moniter someone. I have only used the trial, and in the trial a popup comes up letting the person know it is there, but that is only in the trial. If you buy it they won't even know it is there. It logs everything, and I mean EVERYTHING they do. Websites they visit, programs they run, and every key they type. If you wanna catch 'em and really give it to them (which I in no way agree with) then this is perfect. I agree that talking is a good way to get through this. I hate it when my parents snoop. I used the STARR program to catch them when they snooped, but also to moniter what other people used my computer for. What I'm getting at is that snooping behind a kid's back is one of the worst ways to deal with it. They will find a way around it. I know I could find a counter-measure or way around almost any snooping program or form of snooping my parents might use. I'm not proud of it but it's the truth.

hhh8785

[brandon184]

Don't feel guilty about spying either.

- Brandon

[vintron]

i suggest u use a key logger (a nice one is located at http://download.cnet.com/downloads/0,10152,0-1461991-110-4451149,00.html?gid=59987&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Espytechonline%2Ecom%2FFiles %2Fsaprof%2Ezip )

or something like that. i would say that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG in supervising your minor's actions. Forget about their privacy.... what the hell do these kids mean... F* privacy!!! U are eligible for privacuy only if u live by urself.... not when ur parents take care of u. they don't need privacy nor should they be given any exclusive privacy because they are NOT old enough to make right decisions. Don't be offended, but it's always better to be a strict dad than be a sorry *** after ur 13 year old comes home pregnant with some f* SOB's baby!!!!

Stricly monitor and regulate her actions and insist that she uses the net only when elders are at home.

Better safe than sorry

[tinwindow]

Talking......Yes !
Trusting......No !
Experienced...Yes !
Stay ahead of the game or you may have more to worry about in the future and all they will say is why didn't you stop me and what do you say ? " I trusted you ? "
Children can not make the right decissions and many adults .
The children are the adults responsibility at any cost.
The adults are the courts respsonibility if they get caught...........
Don't wait untill they are adults .
There will be a day when the can have their "Privacy"
The internet can be as dangerous as playing in traffic......
TW

[Warthog]

I think he should talk to her AND use some sort of monitoring program.

Just don't let her get her own comp http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/smile.gif

And make sure the software hides itself from "ctrl-alt-delete" and the Add/Remove programs. I really doubt that she is that sophisticated, but you can never be sure http://sysopt.earthweb.com/forum/wink.gif (maybe she has a friend that is).

Warthog

[TweakerXP]

Boy, is this a hot topic or what!! Me, personally, I would use a monitor program of some type if I had kids. Thanks to all who put their two cents in. I'm going to print the rest of this and let him make up his own mind.
THANKS AGAIN

[shadow]

As a parent of 3 girls I feel it my responsibilty to take care of them and watch over them, if that involves a bit of spying so be it. It's a different world they are growing up in and they need protection. Usually once they know they could be spyed on, or monitored they are more careful. My eldest was very surprised once when she found out that I knew what was said online, she now respects the knowledge I have about computers and what I can find out, she knows it's not a free for all online. She has also had a lengthy talk on the dangers. It's no different than an adult being spyed on in the workplace, it happens all the time whether you know it or not.

About the Starr demo, if you set it to NOT come on auto, you can start it up each day or at each startup manually and nobody will know it's running

[This message has been edited by shadow (edited 02-21-2001).]