These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
====
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
fancyf
05-22-2002, 10:09 PM
:D funny
unbelievable (Mcfly... Mcfly...!!!) :rolleyes:
:cool:
joeblack
05-22-2002, 10:28 PM
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
more more more
NDD
05-23-2002, 08:37 PM
GREAT :x
MORE :r
Imperion1
05-27-2002, 02:06 AM
lmao
Bizkitkid2001
05-27-2002, 02:23 AM
:eek: people can be so stupid. But if it weren't for those kind of people, we wouldn't have something to laugh about;)
couch potato
05-27-2002, 02:51 AM
halarious:p :D lol
fancyf
05-27-2002, 09:49 AM
Courtroom bloopers
The following was taken from Humor In The Court and More Humour In The Court from Mary Louise Gilman. They all are authentic transcripts directly from the courtroom.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofa***** - and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
:cool:
fancyf
05-27-2002, 10:01 AM
Actual excuse notes given by parents of students in Albuquerque
:rolleyes:
Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out) the sh*ts.
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome Laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ***?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot have in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
1. English well speaking
2. here speeching American
On a sign in a ferry in San Juan Harbor: In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seats in the center of the vessel.
Stay tuned...
F@ncy
:cool:
TARP2
05-30-2002, 10:45 PM
Excellent,
Encore,Encore
ukulele
05-30-2002, 11:09 PM
Stop it, Stop it already, I'm about to die laughing. :D
silence
06-02-2002, 05:54 AM
haha .. LOL:D
You gotta love the justice system - and the people in it
fancyf
07-22-2002, 05:51 PM
^bump^
- more?
Read in the classifieds...
Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky.
Pit Bull for sale: owner deceased.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Sheer stocking. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor - send photo of tractor.
Ears pierced - while you wait!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale: Diamonds 20$; microscopes 15$.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
For sale: three canaries of undermined sex.
Great dames for sale.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Modular sofas. Only $299 for rest or fore play.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Wanted: Mother's helper. Peasant working conditions
Wanted: haircutter. Excellent growth potential.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lovers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachaise Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Molière, Jean de la Fontaine and Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, 8 size and fur collar.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.
Stock up and save. Limit: One.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Mount Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does nor smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
:cool:
$1500-P4 gamer
07-23-2002, 02:06 AM
Thanks, my stomache hurts from laughing now and my mouth is dry cause I couldnt drink for like 15min. reading all that-and laughing to **** hard. Very good-and the best parts is you know some people in your life (everyone does) that have said stupid stuff just like those too so its so real. It makes it even funnier!:x :t :)
jmichna
07-23-2002, 09:53 AM
"Ex-farmer with marital difficulties seeks rural accomodation for himself and black labrador girlfriend. Isolation not a problem."
ad in West Sussex (UK) Country Times
:p
bob05
07-23-2002, 10:18 AM
^bump^ :p
leprechaun_40
07-23-2002, 09:07 PM
ROTFLMSAO,, my sides hurt now:D
Optimus Prime
07-24-2002, 05:14 AM
lol, thats so funny man, again! again! :)
Strat
07-24-2002, 10:26 AM
..............Some people.
Carry on though :D
fancyf
07-26-2002, 12:54 PM
Real quotes from known brain-dead people
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- singer Mariah Carey.
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued...
Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
Man.... I was reading all this at work, and my coworkers and other peoples passing by thought i was loosing my koo koos.
:r :x
before i started reading i never expected it was going to be so darn funny.
the best parts were the court room.
and its so sad yet so funny that all that stuff is real. i've personally heard some of those stupid stuff quite often.
anways after i passed the link around, you can hear the Laugh wave expanding from my cubicle to all around the office.
lol
this is was a bomb.
:r
ukulele
07-26-2002, 02:48 PM
FIVE REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE...
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as" If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Yep, that pretty well covers the subject.
Here is another one I got a few chuckles out of:
34 facts about life I learned from playing video games
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys." "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" than against a "boss" in one on one combat.
6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it. Smashing things doesn't hurt. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the **** out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
Yeah, this is so true.
;)
AllGamer
07-26-2002, 03:11 PM
Originally posted by ukulele
FIVE REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE...
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as" If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Yep, that pretty well covers the subject.
Here is another one I got a few chuckles out of:
34 facts about life I learned from playing video games
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys." "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" than against a "boss" in one on one combat.
6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it. Smashing things doesn't hurt. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the **** out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
Yeah, this is so true.
;)
You can add 1 more to the computer one.
* must be female, cuz wifes and girlfriends are always jealous when you are near the computer.
Most of The games remarks are truth except for about 5 of them
fancyf
07-26-2002, 06:44 PM
Never had to be jealous AG... I always had the computer for myself :D
Wow,... you're one unlucky guy ukelele!
keep it funny... (this wasn't, I almost cried for you)
:p
on another note... ;)
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.
*****************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and
told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was
arrested.
***************
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in
the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic
for an oil change.
According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the
mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
*****************
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway
so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
*****************
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected
of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it
because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then
arrested him for breaking into the school.
****************
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of
cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
recess to compose himself.
******************
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso
from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of
its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They
were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas
company on the side of the truck.
*******************
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his
lawyer.
Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a
fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that
Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and
then said, "I should've blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant
paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year
sentence.
******************
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood.
When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece
of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered
it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because
information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a
two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
******************
F@ncy
:cool:
ukulele
07-26-2002, 07:05 PM
Wow,... you're one unlucky guy ukelele!
Huh? Let me quess you must be female right. Well, excuuuuuseme!:p
SysOpt.com
Copyright Internet.com Inc. All Rights Reserved.